I told myself, “You are tired of looking for someone. No one seems to be the right one. So, stop looking. If someone wants you, then they will come.”
That’s what I said right after I graduated in May 2008. I was fed up with thinking that I found the right one and it ended up blowing up in my face.
…Then I went to college in August…
I’m minding my own business one night and I get a message asking for my assistance. Let’s just say I ended up somewhere else that night. And that one night turned into an ongoing thing that culminated into a relationship. I was not the one that made the first move. I was not the one that asked. I got everything I wanted… someone to take an interest in me. So, I was happy!
When we were together, it was perfect! I saw everything and every reason why I said “yes”. But when we were apart, it was like a battle to even get noticed. (Just as I sit and write this I think I’ve been forgotten about… again) Unaswered and unreturned phone calls and txts. Give you a bold-faced hint about something that I want you to do with me and I get nothing in return. Not even a signal that you know what I’m talking about. It’s not like I can get mad… I did say “yes” didn’t I? I know that you’re a busy person. Like I said before, “I don’t want you to change yourself for me.” I was being 100% honest with you when I said that.
My issue is this: You have your meetings, practices, events, etc. That is not a problem what so ever, but all a man has is his word. And if he can’t keep that, then he has nothing. If I’m told that someone is going to “get at me later.” I kind of expect it to happen. Maybe my definition of later includes a 24 hour time period. Maybe that’s not what you mean, so… I can’t be mad. All I can do is tell you what I see.
Then I pick up your phone, not thinking anything about it. And to my surprise I see a VERY interesting txt message to a random person that I have only heard about through other people. It wasn’t the most innocent txt either. And it wasn’t as if the person you were txting started the “flirting”… you did. So, what am I supposed to think? My first reaction was to think back to all the times when I’ve been cheated on. It has happened more than once. And little things like txt messages are how it all starts. I have been dumped through a txt before…
Then my next reaction is, “Why would anyone WANT to flirt with someone else if they are happily in a relationship?” That is something that I will never understand. My thing is, “if you are truly happy, then you shouldn’t feel like you need anyone else to make you happy.”
But you explained that it was a joke. So, I can’t be mad… right? I don’t know who this kid is. Never have I talked to him. Never have I seen him. But I have heard about him. I have friends that know him very well. But that is beside the point. I’m with you, no one else. I don’t talk to anyone else. I don’t try to talk to anyone else. My conscience would eat me alive. People definitely have tried, and you know that because I told you up front. And I told you how I squashed it really quick! Because I know that it would be really messed up for me to tell you one thing then do another.
But it was a joke. So, I can’t be mad. But it does make me think. (I’m going to be honest) I would call and no response. I would txt and no response. But I sat and watched how quickly you were to respond to this person and make plans with this person… and not me.
And that is NOT jealousy. I have viewed relationships like this: If the one I’m with has not gained that “special” place in my heart, then I give them a “special” place in my mind. It’s theirs for the taking. So, I’m going to try and do things with them. If it’s not because we’re together, then it’s to get to know them beter.
It’s a level of respect that I have for them, simply because I’m with them. Trust me when I say, “I don’t have to tell anybody a damn thing about what I’m doing, where I’m going, etc. But if I am with someone, then I look at it as common courtessy, especially if I told them I would do something with them later.”
Out of all this “I still have to get used to your process.”
The bottom line is this: I don’t want to lose something good over some Bullshit. This whole situation is crazy. Crazy because I can tell that you have started to think that I don’t trust you. That is not true at all. I trust you. Sometimes I question why you don’t do certain things, but i can’t be mad. I know that you’re busy. I know that your memory isn’t the best. (lol) And I know how you feel about me. And I knew most of this before I said “yes”. So, I can’t be mad.
I only ask for one thing. And that’s a small amount of your time. But I don’t want you to spend that time with me because you feel obligated to do so. It would be nice for you to WANT to spend time with me. I never want to force you to do anything or put you in a situation where you do something out of guilt. Spend time with me if you want. Don’t if you don’t.
Look: I like you… A lot. This is the first thing that we have really “fought” about. And it would be stupid for us to break-up over one little thing. I guess I’m just going to have to get over this feeling of “you want to do things with other people rather than me.”
