Never do I need someone else to complete me. Never do I want someone else to have that type of control over my life. But I do have a horrbile problem with getting in too deep and becoming attached too quickly. Then I over analyze and end up messing it all up. That goes with any situation.
The most recent came with someone who I was talking to. Once again, I over analyzed the situation and fucked it up. Looking back on it, I should have kept my mouth shut, because I was perfectly happy. We both did our own thing and caught up with each other when we could. But something told me that seeing each other on the fly wasn’t enough. So, I got to thinking. (My first mistake) I thought that if we just talk about spending more time with each other, then we, eventually, would and everything would be fine. Little did I know, they were thinking about this too…
“Pump the breaks on our relationship.” That’s what I was told the day that the, “door [was] slightly closed.” Trust and know that I felt my heart in my throat. Never did I want to hear those words from this person. I know it has not been that long since we first got together, but that first night seemed like more than a first night. We made a conection that night. “I thought about asking you towards the end of that first night.” See, they noticed it too…
“I care alot about you. And I don’t want to put you through that.” I was told that the day the, “door [was] slightly closed.” I just want to be with them. To know that I am their one and only. I’m at a point where I don’t care how much time we spend together, just as long as we do…
So, now I see that I should have kept my mouth shut.
I went to Wednesday Night Live tonight. My first intention was to go for all the wrong reasons. To show them that I still cared. To show them that I should still be an active part of their life. “Don’t count me out so quick!” But then I was caught by the message of the evening. I realized that what God has for me… is for me! I was meant to be placed in this state of “limbo”…
“I feel like a jerk.” That was said to me the day that the, “door [was] slightly closed.” Directly to you: You are not a jerk. You are the best thing that has happened to me since I got here. You probably can’t say the same about me, but I only speak (write) the truth. When a child is away from his mother things begin to happen that cause that child to look for someone that cares. You were the first person, on this campus, to CORRECTLY show me that type of attention. Others have tried, you know who they are, but there was something about you that flipped the script. I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want to lose you…
Maybe you’re interested in someone else… I don’t know. Maybe your interests lie elsewhere… I don’t know. I hope not, but I can’t control you. I don’t want to try. Just like I said, “Don’t change yourself for me.”
“…the door is NOT shut and locked. its just slightly closed…” That was said to me the day I figured out what you meant to me. The bottom line is I want you to be with me. I want to be with you. I would have NEVER said, “yes,” if I didn’t know there would be issues. I would have NEVER said, “yes,” if I didn’t know there would be times when we were too busy to just chill. I overreacted. I flipped out for no reason. I’m sorry…
Hopefully, you’ll read this and realize that in the short time we’ve been together it’s been great! Hopefully, you’ll read this and realize that I was happy with you. I just wanted you for you and nothing more. I know how busy you are. I know you won’t always have time to spend with me. NOW, I fully understand that. I didn’t before. So, you’re not putting me through anything that I can’t handle. You’ve been great so far.
I have never done this before. I have never told the person I’m interested in exactly how I felt. But I see something in you that I admire… something that I really like. And I don’t want to give up too easily or WAIT too long for something that could be great right now, especially when you could easily find someone else.
But I can’t make the decison for you. I just pray that you make the one that includes me.
I’m throwing myself out there. I don’t want the half open door. I want the door to be completely open. 1 more shot… is all I ask.
(I may regret letting you read this, but that is a risk I’m willing to take)
